I Have Always Wanted To Ask You This . . . | " Cahaya Yang Riang Gembira "


I Have Always Wanted To Ask You This . . .

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Assalamualaikum.

Good morning people. It's Sunday. Hoping that you are enjoying your weekend with friends and family. When I started the first word for this entry, I still cannot decide on the language that I should use to write this particular post. If I use Bahasa Malay then it'll gives some kind of romantic vibes, well, as you may know, I tend to be a lot more "jiwang" when I wrote an entry using Bahasa Melayu. I go for English then so that it doesn't sounds too awkward. Ngee.

Last night around 9, I received a text from someone, a "friend" that I'll miss, occasionally. A simple text asking how am I doing now, am I in the pink of health. It is nearly a month since our last texts and all. Yes, there are times that I do think of this someone, there are a few occasions where I desperately feel the need to send a text to this person, because somehow I feel a little comfort through the conversation. Even though we are not exchanging tons of texts, but I do feel relief and happy somehow.


I still remember that time when you said I was "sombong" and "jual mahal" for not sending you a text, not even once at the very beginning of our friendship. Yes, I admit that I was being "jual mahal" at that moment at that time. I felt like a high school girl who was playing push and pull to someone that had a crush on her. Haha. Funny me. Yes, that was how I felt. I felt young again when you entered my life. But, at that time when I'm too immerse in my own fantasy and I started to loss grip of reality, my feeling takes a 180 degrees turn.

I never knew and the thought had never crossed my mind, that I actually started to like you. I like a friend. A friend that I met in this blogging platform, a friend that was always there in my phone inbox, a friend that loves to tease me, making me mad but at the same time never failed to make me smile too. And, it was you. When I realized that, I stop from being "jual mahal".

And if you asked me now, why I never even once sending a text to you even though you may not know how much I wanted to, it's not "jual mahal" anymore, it's cause I don't want my feeling to develop even further. I like you and that's it. I don't want to fall furthermore, in love I mean, so I kept a distance. I'm old for you, I have too much flaws and you deserve a better girl or perhaps you already got a girl that you love beside you, that's why I pulled away.

I only replied if you sent me a text. And if there was no text from you, then that's it. People said, time is the important essence in life. Time can heal, time can make you forget someone, time can keep your distance apart. That's what happen to me and my housemates. Haha. That's what I thought all this while. That if I don't send a text, not even once, it will drift us apart. At first you maybe texting me once in a week, then once a month, slowly you'll get tired and it become once in a few months then no more. No more you, no more texts. That's how I thought.


If it happens that you come across and read this entry from the very first word till the end of it, and if you still remember that I used to ask you is it okay to ask just a question, which in turn I didn't get a chance at all to ask, this is what I've always wanted to ask you.

"I thought you will get fed up finally and stop texting me when I didn't even bother to start texting you all this while, there are times when there has been no text at all from you for nearly 3 to 4 months, I said to myself, that's it then Farhana, it has ended. But then, to my surprise, at that time when I "occasionally" missing you, you appeared in my inbox, again. Despite my ego, my ignorance, my stubbornness and my selfishness, why? Why you are still here in my life, making it even harder for me to stop liking you, making me even greedier for wanting you to text me often. Why? And that is what I have always wanted to ask you but I don't have a courage to. Why???"

I never intend to write this long but that's how feeling flows I guess. Haha. Even thought I told myself not to text that person first, to stop what I feel, in-deliberately I already developed a habit of counting days since the last I received a text from that person. That's how the "3 to 4 months" came from. I kept the time in-checked. How fascinating and ironic isn't it? Haha. Have a great weekend people. Take care. Assalamualaikum.

HEART SPEAKS : Even though I can stop texting but I cannot stop sending cards, raya cards, birthday cards. Haha. Thank you Pakcik Posmen Ajil for delivering all my cards safely to this person. Thank you.
:)


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