I'm Scared

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Assalamualaikum.

After so long of not writing anything in this, finally I got the feels and needs to write something. To let it all out. It's 12.30 in the morning. Sleepy but my fingers are actively typing, non-stop.

Do you have paranoia? I never knew that I have this feeling, scared, paranoid, anxious as I am not this kind of person if you met me a few years back. I guess there are life events that could change your way of thinking, your confidence, how you carry yourself.

I'm scared.


I don't know why, but I hate myself for having a feeling like this. The negative thoughts always flood my mind. Heh. Lets say someone like me, and I reciprocate, the way they pursue you, you will got that negative thought like "if he can pursue you this way, he may already done it a few hundred times with other girls. If he can care for you in such a way that you may fall in love with him, he may do the same to other girl who will fall for him too."

I hate this! I seriously hate how I can have this kind of negative thoughts. Maybe I'm just scared people will walk away from my life, again. Like how it used to be. And maybe this is one of the defense mechanism that my mind build for not letting me being heartbroken. Haha. People say you can either choose one, to be a coward who is scared of falling in love, OR be in love with all your heart and just let it go with the flow, take everything positively and never have that worst case scenarios at the back of your mind.



I tried hard not to ruin everything with these thoughts, but it's so difficult. How can I trust people again? How can I love bravely and positively? I don't want to mess it up. I just want to make things right. Even though there may be chances of heartbroken for second times, and I guess it will hurt as much, BUT, BUT, BUT what if it feels right, it's gonna be alright, and it's something that meant to be? WHAT IF? 


Hmm. Good night.
Assalamualaikum.



Ulasan

Unknown berkata…
Did you manage to overcome this feeling?
3 Februari 2018 pada 12:14 PG
Cahaya Yang Riang Gembira berkata…
@Mohd Zulhilmi Rosli

Are you experiencing the same feeling? Hmm. I can't really say I overcome the feeling, instead I learn to live with it but try to minimize the thought and be more positive. Its hard. Its difficult. But someone given me this advice to just live in the present and not the past, not to worry nuch about the future. Cause if it is meant to be, it will finally reach there. ����
4 Februari 2018 pada 1:14 PG
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