It had been days of physical and emotional torture. When I was in 3rd month of O&G posting, I thought I'll be doing great for the next 5 posting cause I can already grasp the concept of "REDHA" and miraculously found the fun part of being a doctor. But, here I am now, down the drain, AGAIN during medical posting. I guess this time will be worse than what I experience during my early days of housemanship.
I'm sick. And it gives hell lot of troubles to my job. My walking speed has reduce so much, my MOs said I'm too slow working on job, I had great difficulties during my night shift, but I really can't help it. It's too painful.
But the worst part is, people think that you are not sick but "SICK". If you know what I mean. I had enough of people saying, "Your pain is nothing actually. I bet you want to rest. When you take rest, then you become lazy to work. I know lots of housemen trick, it's not like I've been taking care of you guys for one or two years."
To tell you the truth, I've been having this problem since I enter housemanship. But during that time, I can still endure it. I work with dedication, never took MC, my MOs and I are very close. I never got complaint from anyone in the department. But if my pain really troubles me, I'll change my shift with someone or inform my specialist that I need to exchange ward with somebody, taking care a not so busy ward.
But now, I can't endure it. I've been enduring it for 6 months and now pain become worse. Please understand that I'm not making it up. Yeah. They can understand BUT they try to not understand.
I'm locking myself up in the room since evening. I'm too stressed out. My mom entered and asking about things. I told mom how I feel, what my heart been shouting all the time, that I want to quit housemanship and I have no more interest to work. Then my mom said, "Fikirkanlah." And she went out.
After mom went out, I burst into tears. I know deep down, mom may feels disappointed. And now, I'm blanked. Just stared at the ceiling, immerse in my own thoughts and hoping tomorrow will be better.
Good night. Assalamualaikum.
:: Aku tahu aku perlu bangkit seperti waktu dulu, tapi ternyata makin berat dugaan, makin sukar jalannya ::