27 Feb 2013

Permata Hati

Februari 27, 2013 0 Comments
Assalamualaikum.

Malam dah semakin larut, ramai yang pasti sudah diulit lena yang panjang memandangkan esok hari adalah hari bekerja. Aku? Masih lagi di sini, menjadi seorang pengecut yang terus-terusan lari dari masalah. Ribut melanda hidup. Untuk menjadi kuat dan bangkit semula. Hmm. Aku pernah bangkit dulu. Kalau aku mampu buat dulu, kenapa tidak sekarang ya? Heh. Aku yang kompleks dan memeningkan. 


Semenjak usia dah melewati suku abad dan setahun, aku telah saksikan ramai rakan-rakan beralih dari satu fasa hidup ke satu fasa hidup yang lain. Ah! Siapa yang tidak ada keinginan begitu bukan. Dan siapa juga yang tak merasa sedikit cemburu bila rakan-rakan dah bergelar isteri dah bergelar ibu. Daripada seorang anak dah bertambah jadi dua. Mereka dengan bahagia mereka, dengan rezeki dan anugerah yang Allah telah berikan. Hanya mampu tersenyum tiap kali meneliti kepingan gambar-gambar bahagia di laman mukabuku masing-masing.


Entah datang dari mana semangat yang membuak ini. Semangat dan keinginan untuk "adopting". Hinggakan terbawa ke alam mimpi. Bermimpikan seorang bayi comel yang tak sengaja ditemui di kaki tangga rumahku, lalu dijaga dan dibelai, dari kecil hingga dewasa. Ouh!! Terasa nak bela anak angkat. And given all the loves in the world. Heh. Banyak sangat love dalam diri ke? =p


How I wish I could. At least bila pergi kerja, dan balik kerja, ada permata hati yang menceriakan hidup yang suram dan kurang warna ini. Heee. Mungkin bawa impian ini dalam tidur dulu barangkali. Mana tahu, mimpi boleh jadi nyata. Hehe.

Selamat malam dunia. Assalamualaikum.
xOxO
=p

6 Feb 2013

I Am Not Making It Up

Februari 06, 2013 2 Comments

Assalamualaikum.

It had been days of physical and emotional torture.  When I was in 3rd month of O&G posting, I thought I'll be doing great for the next 5 posting cause I can already grasp the concept of "REDHA" and miraculously found the fun part of being a doctor. But, here I am now, down the drain, AGAIN during medical posting. I guess this time will be worse than what I experience during my early days of housemanship.

I'm sick. And it gives hell lot of troubles to my job. My walking speed has reduce so much, my MOs said I'm too slow working on job, I had great difficulties during my night shift, but I really can't help it. It's too painful.

But the worst part is, people think that you are not sick but "SICK". If you know what I mean. I had enough of people saying, "Your pain is nothing actually. I bet you want to rest. When you take rest, then you become lazy to work. I know lots of housemen trick, it's not like I've been taking care of you guys for one or two years."

To tell you the truth, I've been having this problem since I enter housemanship. But during that time, I can still endure it. I work with dedication, never took MC, my MOs and I are very close. I never got complaint from anyone in the department. But if my pain really troubles me, I'll change my shift with someone or inform my specialist that I need to exchange ward with somebody, taking care a not so busy ward.

But now, I can't endure it. I've been enduring it for 6 months and now pain become worse. Please understand that I'm not making it up. Yeah. They can understand BUT they try to not understand.

I'm locking myself up in the room since evening. I'm too stressed out. My mom entered and asking about things. I told mom how I feel, what my heart been shouting all the time, that I want to quit housemanship and I have no more interest to work. Then my mom said, "Fikirkanlah." And she went out.

After mom went out, I burst into tears. I know deep down, mom may feels disappointed. And now, I'm blanked. Just stared at the ceiling, immerse in my own thoughts and hoping tomorrow will be better.

Good night. Assalamualaikum.

:: Aku tahu aku perlu bangkit seperti waktu dulu, tapi ternyata makin berat dugaan, makin sukar jalannya ::